I forgot to feed my baby yesterday afternoon. Just plain old forgot. When he started fussing about 30 minutes after he woke up from his nap, I was upset with him for being so grumpy. But he was just telling me he was really hungry. It took me a while to figure it out. Not the first time I’ve done this.

Also - you know how they say that babies have different cries for different situations? LIES. Andrew just cries. There have never been any different sounds to interpret. Or else I’m the world’s worst mother. (Nowadays when he’s tired, he screeches. Loudly. That’s the closest we come to having a different cry.)

Tonight all of his bath towels were in the laundry, so Andrew had to use a big, old towel of mine. K calls it a “burlap towel” because it’s not very soft. His sleep blanket was also in that same laundry, so he went to bed without his blankie. GO ME.

Oh, and the other day I got mad at Andrew for whining so much. Sometimes I run out of patience… and he’s only four months old. I feel bad, but fortunately he never holds a grudge. He loves Mommy to pieces all over again within a few minutes.

Last year on Mother’s Day, my mom gave me a little card. It’s taped in the front of my pregnancy record book. It was a little bit surreal, but it’s a little bit surreal this year, too. I’m not sure I like this “Mother’s Day” business. It’s just another Sunday where I have to get laundry done and feed the baby and prepare for the week ahead. And I have to pay more attention to others than myself - K and I have FOUR grandmothers and two mothers between us. Still, it’s kind of neat to have a First Mother’s Day. I’ll have to do SOMEthing that I enjoy.

I tried to buy a new swimsuit. It failed, and I still don’t have one.

I’ll rephrase: I have about ten swimsuits. They’re all teeny and cute and packed under my bed. I wore each and every one of them in Hawaii (and I even bought one of them in Hawaii). Some of them I’ve had since high school. And I still love all of them. But I don’t have one that I’d be comfortable wearing now.

Several months ago, I thought a lot about what kind of suit would look best on me and my new “post-baby” body. The junk trunk has always been a concern, but before now, I’ve never given half a thought to my stomach or chest in a swimsuit. They’ve always been small and unobtrusive enough to sneak by in anything. But now that I’ve got the “I’m permanently 15 weeks pregnant” belly and the “bloodshot eyeball” boobs, it’s time for selective coverage. What to do… what to do.

I found a pretty decent, plain halter-esque top and cute pseudo-shorts bottoms at Victoria’s Secret, so I went for it. Both pieces were backordered. The bottoms came within a month, and I tried them on several times while waiting for the top. I was starting to believe in them. The top… it never came. They sent me somebody else’s top, and sent my top to somebody else. Unfortunately, because of the backorder situation, they wouldn’t have anymore in stock, and there was no way for them to “restock” the wrong pieces upon their return. Sadly, I packed the Cute Bottoms away with the Wrong Top and sent them both back. And I am postpartumly swimsuitless.

At first I was a bit excited about the prospect of being able to shop for a swimsuit in stores. But sheesh, by now everything’s on clearance. All the good stuff is probably long gone. Today I was watching QVC (shut up - it’s my comfort channel) and they were selling those “hide it” type swimsuits, with skirts and halter tanks and rear end coverage for days. I watched sadly, thinking maybe I should buy something like that. (Of course the smallest size was 8. What - they don’t think smaller girls have flab and stretchmarks to conceal???) It’s kind of depressing that it’s all or nothing. Either you go to the beach fully dressed, or you wear half a string wrapped around yourself.

I’m not really sure what I’m looking for. I’m not really sure I’d even be comfortable in a swimsuit at all. I’ll probably just dig out an old bikini and wear a permanent tank top and shorts over it. Who needs to spend $100 on a swimsuit, anyway?

One of the greatest things about Andrew is that he doesn’t care how crappy his mom looks. He smiles at me like I’m the prettiest thing he’s ever seen (even when I’m not - holy crap do I AVOID the mirror these days). And who would care to look at me anyway, when he’s right there in his cute little sun hat and shark swim trunks?

Last night’s earthquake waited until I was about 80% asleep, which is almost worse than being completely out because then it was impossible to get to sleep for a while afterward. Quakes are better during the day, in my opinion.

More answers, yay! Questions from Shannon:

1. If you could have one meal, what would it be?
I could really go for my mom’s sauerkraut, sliced hot dogs, mashed potatoes, and corn. ‘Tis my favorite meal in the world.

2. Where you are right now in life…is it what you pictured 5 years ago? 10 years?
You know, it is. I feel unbelievably blessed in that way. I have my college degree, a job I enjoy, a husband and my little boy. For the most part, I am happy with the choices I’ve made. As for my husband, K says he never thought he would find the person he wanted to marry in college, or be married with a baby a few years later. But whether it’s what he expected, I think (hope) it’s what he wanted. (He says he thought he’d be sitting at home, playing computer games. And I tell him, that IS what you’re doing. You just have a baby sleeping in the next room and you’re pausing your game to bring your wife a glass of ice water. )

3. Fold or crumple?
Crumple! Gotta have some grip.

One from Staz:

How has becoming a mother affected your taste in music?
I’m not sure whether it’s affected my taste at all. I don’t get to listen to music as much anymore, as I did most of my music-listening in the car and right now I only drive to work two days a week, plus work is a lot closer than it used to be. So I guess you could say I definitely appreciate the times I can listen to music (by myself) more these days. In the afternoons after I get off work, I try to let Andrew listen to his jazz and classical CDs. And perhaps I am a bit more sentimental about some music than I used to be…. but not by much. I have always been extremely affected by music.

And also one from Emma:

When did you know that your husband was the man you wanted to marry?
I hate to sound cheesy, but pretty much immediately. After the first weekend we hung out together, K told his roommate, “She’s the kind of girl I can see myself marrying.” Not that we decided to get married right away or anything - we went through three more years and a few ups-and-downs before even getting engaged - but we just always made sense. Life was never better than when we were together.

What’s weird (and kind of scary) is that I’m still not in a place where I think actually HAVING a kid is better than being pregnant was.

At the time, I didn’t really think I was the type who enjoyed pregnancy. It was fairly uneventful for me, aside from the 3-hour glucose test, but there were so many questions and doubts in my mind. I was never sure how I felt about the whole thing. And I guess you could say that I kept waiting for something to go wrong. (That’s the way I’ve always felt about everything; the longer we go without bad things happening, the worse those bad things will be.) But in retrospect, when nothing went wrong, I was wholly satisfied with those nine months. It was an amazing experience, and I wish I could live it a thousand more times.

Now it kind of feels like every day is the day after Christmas. The anticipation, the delirity, and the “future unknown” are gone. I can’t help thinking that I’m not appreciating this enough, and I don’t know how to fix that. Maybe it’s because I just don’t understand it enough. Anything I’m not a pro at… kind of freaks me out. I’ve never enjoyed things that aren’t in my realm of expertise or even just my past experience. In other words, NEW situations. And that’s what it’s all about with a small fry. Like I said, kind of scary. I wish I was better at this. I wish I could understand things. And I REALLY wish I felt like I was having the time of my life - instead of always poised for fight or flight, waiting for the other shoe to drop, thinking “Okay, today was good, but tomorrow? WHO KNOWS?”.

This morning my boss told me they don’t want me to work from home anymore. I wasn’t completely expecting it, but I guess I was, because I came up with an “answer” on the spot, and she seemed okay with it. When Andrew turns six months old, I will return to working in the office every day. I’ll work about six hours a day and leave around 1:00 pm. He’ll be staying with my mom (who does home daycare, if you remember). We will continue to breastfeed, so I will begin pumping at work again. Whether K will still be staying home with him some mornings, we haven’t decided. I wasn’t really upset - this is probably good for many reasons - but I’m still trying to adjust to the fact that I won’t be with Andrew 95% of the time anymore. I have all the normal feelings of working mom guilt and sadness. I know we’ll be okay, and for heaven’s sake he gets to stay with somebody we love and trust, but it’s still not easy.

Remember how I said I hadn’t made any difficult decisions? I’m still not sure if this counts. I feel like the decision has been made for me. I could leave this job, but for what? Another one that I don’t like? We stay just afloat with BOTH of our salaries. I have spent a lot of time working the numbers, and these two engineering grads can’t make it happen right now without two incomes. And as I’ve mentioned before, I actually LIKE working.

So right now I feel a little bit numb. I usually don’t figure that I really enjoy being a mom, but stuff like this makes me think again. It’s hard work, but I love that he smiles at me all day. He trusts that I’ll be there for him. I’m his mommy and it’s my job to do right by him. And just love him a whole lot along the way.

I’m not a big fan of Tuesdays, mostly because it’s still the beginning of the week AND I have to get up early… but I guess you could say it’s better than Monday.

More answers! First from Christina:

1) If you could go anywhere on your next vacation, where would you go (you can pretend you have a travel nanny if you want)?
I want to go to NYC! We were thinking about it before I got pregnant. I really wanted to see RENT, but now that it won’t be playing anymore (*cry*), I’d like to see another Broadway show or two. And I’d like to go in the fall or winter - maybe at Christmastime! I’d also like to visit Florida. That is more of a “summer destination” for me. There are so many things there I’d like to see… and people, too.

2) What are your favorite pig-out foods?
Ooh, let’s see. Cheese. Pickles. Cheetos cheez puffs. Salt and vinegar chips. And those Hostess Apple and Cherry pies that my husband always buys for me because he knows I love them… even though they are like 437% of the recommended daily fat intake. :\

And also a couple of questions from Cady:

what is your biggest pet peeve?
Irresponsibility. It encompasses a lot! Also poor spelling, incompetent drivers, and politicians in general.

what is your favorite store to shop at and why?
Generally speaking, probably Target. Just because I spend money there every week, and they always have SOMEthing I need. We are getting a new one pretty close to my house - I hope it’s a good one!
I’m trying to think of a favorite clothing store, but I’m having a hard time narrowing it down. Let’s just say I LOVE clothes shopping… for me and for Andrew.

There HAS to be some sort of name for this… EVERY Sunday night I hit a wall of depression. In the morning I feel great, but by the end of the day I just can’t STAND the idea of another week. I don’t want to work, I don’t want K to work, and I don’t want to take care of a baby. I just want to disappear. (I guess this also might explain why I LOVE Fridays so much.)

I’m going to answer some more questions… this time from Julie:

1) What are you most looking forward to doing this summer with Andrew?
I keep talking about taking him to the beach up at Tahoe. He has the swim shorts, sunglasses, sunscreen, towel… but we don’t have any kind of shade. I’m not even sure if those big beach umbrellas exist anymore, and even so, there is a 99% chance of your umbrella flying down the beach in the afternoon wind. I was thinking of buying one of those little shade tents. I don’t know how well it will work - he probably won’t even be sitting up before the end of June. Sometimes it feels like we’re always waiting for some magical age where Andrew will be able to do more things and appreciate them.

2) I know in the past, you’ve been required to travel for work. Do you have any thoughts on this? And how are you planning on handling this? It’s always been an option for me to go to conferences, but with children, I don’t want to be away, so I’ve alway declined.
Technically I’ve never been *required* to travel. The first time I traveled for work, I had to pull a lot of strings because I REALLY wanted to go. And awesomely enough, they’ve found a way to bring me along ever since. For our summer conference this year, the timing will work out perfectly - it’s at Tahoe. I won’t really have to “travel”, since it’s an hour away and I can drive back home at any time. However, I do plan on spending at least one night up there (who wants to drive home after the cocktail reception? Not me!). I’ve been working on building up a freezer supply of milk for months (though we did dip into that while I was sick) and K is going to take a couple days off. I’m actually really looking forward to it! Beyond that, I’m not sure what will happen. We always have two conferences a year, and I’m not sure where it’ll be in the fall. I have a feeling I’ll find a way to get away for a few days then, too.

3) What’s been your most difficult decision, so far, as a mother? Did you think it would be as difficult as it was?
This is a good question. I think we’ve been fortunate in not having been forced to make any big decisions so far. For me, it’s the small, everyday decisions that are difficult. When to start solids? Whether to keep trying a dream feed, or skip it? What to do with him during the day while I’m working? How to arrange our work schedules so that we’re still in good graces with our jobs, while tending to our baby adequately? When should we try to make him sleep longer at night instead of waking to eat? Is my milk supply too low? Even the tiniest things, like what to dress him in for sleeping (I check the weather every single night and try to make a decision accordingly) can pile up and become really overwhelming. There are just so many things to think about!

My dear friend Miss Coral asked me a bunch of fun questions.

What was the best part about your honeymoon?
Coral, of course I would have to say meeting up with you and Aaron while we were on Oahu.
But seriously, the best part was that we were staying at this AMAZING resort, and we had NO plans. No obligations. Nobody else to think about except ourselves. (Wow, are those days over.) It was such a fantastic trip. Every day we just wore swimsuits and went shopping and driving and eating and photoing.
There are a few parts that stick out as favorite memories. The first night on Maui, we went for a walk on Wailea beach in the moonlight. It was dark, quiet, and private. We took our shoes off and just walked in the tide. It was like something out of a dream…
The hotel had about a billion little swimming pools, and they were all connected by water slides and waterways. You could “start” at the top and make your way down, with everything in between. Swim-up bar, bar tables in the pool, huge water slides, rapids, a water elevator, a swinging rope, etc. And there was this adults-only pool… kind of their pride and joy. On the bottom is a huge, beautiful tile hibiscus flower, and on either end are hot tubs attached to the pool. We would go swimming there around 10:00 pm when very few people were around. Let me see if I can find a photo…

And the poolside bar had the BEST nachos we’d ever eaten. We still talk about them.

What countries have you traveled to? What states?
I am not very well-traveled. Sadly!
Outside of the United States, I have traveled to Mexico (the Ensenada area) doing mission work! One of the best experiences of my life, but I have no intention of ever visiting Mexico for vacation purposes. (Kind of like how once you work at a restaurant, you never want to eat there….)
Within the United States, I have only technically “visited” a few states. Not counting airport landings, I have been to Nevada and California (obviously), plus Georgia, North Carolina, Illinois, Kentucky, Indiana, Washington D.C., Maryland, Virginia, and Pennsylvania.

What’s your favorite state and why?
I love Nevada. It’s my home!! California is in our backyard… like the neighbor you grew up with. It’s so big and varied that sometimes it’s hard to consider it all one state. I enjoy Northern Cal - north of the bay area, even. The “foresty” part. I call it “Our California”. The southern part of a state is a different planet!
I really like Kentucky, too. It’s totally “Other”, and I would never want to live there, but it’s beautiful. There are all these roads just to DRIVE. Makes you understand why most race car drivers are from the South.

What was your childhood dream of doing when you grew up?
When I was in third grade or so, I wanted to be a teacher. But that was kind of one of those generic answers, like saying your favorite food was pizza. In the middle school days, I was interested in genetics. (Still am, really.) Now I always say that when I grow up, I want to be a behavioral neurologist. Nothing too big, you know? I am just extraordinarily fascinated by the way behavioral patterns, especially noted in children, are related to physiological and neurological development. Or anything involving the whole environment/genetics conundrum. Yeah, I loved psychology in college! Somehow I ended up playing with Photoshop for a living. Shoot……

Tell us your favorite quirk about K.
He never sneezes once or twice or three times. He always sneezes a BUNCH of times. Over and over. Even if he blows his nose, he keeps right on sneezing for a while. I’ve always teased him about having a “broken sneezer”. At some point I started counting, too. “That’s eight. That’s nine.” Hehe. SO mean, I am. Fortunately, Andrew seems to be more like Mommy so far, usually only sneezing twice.

The next three questions are from Lisanne:

[1] How many pillows do you sleep with at night? Big ones? Flat ones? Body pillows? Down pillows? Give us the total pillow scoop.
Well. Our bed has six pillows total. Four of them are king size, and those stay on our bed at night. Two are queen size, and those come off the bed at night. They’re more for propping up, leaning against and playing on the laptop, watching TV, etc. So we sleep with two king pillows each. I’m kind of a pillow snob. I stick with the down, or half-down, and they’re like $70 each. I wait until they’re on a good sale at JC Penney, so they end up costing about half that. My brother likes to tease me when we walk by the end rack at Target with the pillows for $5.00. They make me cry in horror. I’m a little Monica Geller about my bedding.

[2] How many times do you do laundry within the course of a week? Do you do one huge load, or do you do small loads each day? What detergent/fabric softener are you currently using? Do you have any particular laundry techniques (i.e., sorting)?
I TRY to do laundry once a week. I wash our clothing every other Sunday, and on the opposite Sundays I wash towels, sheets, rugs, etc. This schedule does tend to vary a bit, especially since Andrew has arrived, but it’s still my goal. Now that I work at home, it’s easier for me to pop in a load of laundry during the week as well. But in general, it’s easier to just wait until the “scheduled” time. Otherwise I feel like I am NEVER caught up.
The truth is, by the time we’ve gone two weeks without washing any clothing, we have quite a bit to wash. I probably have about 8-10 different loads of clothing just for K and myself. They look something like this:
- Jeans
- Work pants
- T-shirts and/or work shirts (sometimes 2 different loads)
- My tops (can be multiple loads, depending on the delicacy factor)
- Undies
- PJs
- Whites (bleach)
- Sweats (this is a big load these days, now that I wear them just about every day :P)
All of Andrew’s clothes go in one load, and his towels/sheets/burp cloths go in a separate one.
We are currently washing our things in Kirkland brand “free and clear” detergent, and we wash Andrew’s stuff in Dreft. I use Downy fabric softener on everything (except the wrinkle-free and quick-dry shirts that say not to use it - those get a separate load - yeah I’m kinda Monica Geller about laundry, too).

[3] What grocery stores do you have nearby? How do you save money while grocery shopping (any tips?). Do you grocery shop with Andrew or wait until K. can watch him and then go by yourself? Do you shop each week or every two weeks?
When I was growing up, we always shopped at Raley’s. Then it was Smith’s (which I believe is Kroger’s elsewhere). Now I’m sorry to say that it’s Walmart 97% of the time. Sometimes we run to Smith’s for a quick pickup, but honestly, the prices are SO MUCH LOWER at Walmart that are left with little choice. I HATE grocery shopping. It stresses me out big time. So K almost always does it, whether I’m with him or he goes alone. I stay home with Andrew. It’s just easier that way. My husband is such a hero! And we kind of shop whenever we need it. Or, more truthfully, about three weeks AFTER we need it. Even though I don’t usually have to go, I put it off. I hate making a list and I hate putting the groceries away. I just don’t even like thinking about it! I REALLY hate our fridge (hopefully getting a new one soon!! woohoo!!) and that contributes to it also. I always feel better when we have lots of food in the house, but the process of getting there really grates on my nerves! I wish I could just buy a new fridge full of food, like in the Sims.

I’m not allowed to watch the movie Dumbo. I love the elephant; I think he’s sweet and adorable. I love the ride, too. But I think it’s one of the saddest, most depressing movies ever. I’ve felt this way since I was a little girl, but now that I’m a mommy, it’s even worse. Whenever anybody talked about the movie, all I could blurt was, “He’s a baby, and his mommy gets taken away!! That is one of the worst movies ever!”

I often sing Andrew a song from Dumbo, “Baby Mine”. I call him my sweet blue-eyed baby. The other day, I thought I would find the video clip from the movie. I watched it and started bawling. I couldn’t stop crying. K came home to find me walking around the house, crying my eyes out, holding Andrew and telling him I wouldn’t ever leave him. It didn’t help that I knew he was having surgery this morning. Then K told me I wasn’t allowed to watch any parts of Dumbo anymore. So I am officially banned.

Here is a version of the clip if you want to see it. Watch at your own peril.

I wanted to thank everybody who thought about us and said prayers for us this morning. Andrew’s tongue-tie surgery went very well. We got to the hospital at 6:00 am and filled out paperwork. In the staging area, he got weighed, his temperature was taken, and we changed him into a little hospital gown. They gave him a stuffed Wolfie to play with, but he mostly just rested on Daddy. He was beyond tired and hungry, but he hung in there and didn’t cry. The doctor came and spoke with us, then the anesthesiologist came and spoke with us. Finally a nurse came with a blanket and took him away. I just tried not to focus on any one part. Back in the waiting room, we chatted about The Da Vinci Code (I just finished the book, and it came up when I spotted a book of Da Vinci sketches on the table), the kid who was throwing his shoes around the waiting room, and whatever else we could think of. The mommy whose baby was next after Andrew was crying. I understood.

After just a few minutes, the doctor came out and let us know that everything was okay and he’d put in one small stitch. We waited a bit longer, and then we were summoned back to the recovery area as soon as Andrew woke up (they did put him under general). A nurse was holding Andrew, and he was crying, looking disoriented and confused, and drooling blood a bit. I immediately scooped him up and nursed him, which calmed him down immediately. (I felt bad for the mommy after us, because when her baby came out he was inconsolable.) Daddy held Andrew and walked around while we waited to be discharged, then came home and Andrew has been sleeping most of the time since. He’s on antibiotics for a few days, and we gave him some Tylenol just for any discomfort.

Andrew was SUCH a trouper and a brave boy. We were very proud. It was a little scary situation, but it was over pretty quickly and we were happy to get home where we always tell Andrew he’s “safe”.

I’m feeling pretty decent today. Just waiting for the wonderful husband to bring lunch home for me. The house is a mess, the baby is VERY HAPPY when he’s awake and VERY UNWILLING to go down for his naps (I can’t really blame him - we didn’t play with him much over the weekend and he spent a lot of time napping), and work has been crazy.

On with some more questions. Today we are hearing from Miss Aubrey:

1. Out of all the domain names you’ve owned, which one is your favorite and why?
For a blog location, I actually like this one the best. It’s short, relatively easy to type, and it has a lot of meaning for me. I think thenoodleincident was most creative and fun, and sweetsurprise was my first one, so it’s pretty special too. Right now, between my husband and myself, we probably own about 10 domains. We’re suckers.

2. Do you think you’ll always live in NV? If not, where else would you want to live?
Nevada is SO my home that I can’t imagine ever living anywhere else. There are fleeting moments when I just want to get away and start with fresh people and surroundings. Not that Reno or Nevada are perfect by any means but I am always quick with a list of gripes about other places. I really want winter AND summer, plus I can’t stand humidity, and Reno is almost too small for my taste. Where does that leave us? We occasionally talk about places that we wouldn’t mind living. Top on my list are Denver, Las Vegas, and San Diego.

3. How long have you been making websites?
I think I started right around my sophomore year of high school. I made sites for the movies Titanic and Can’t Hardly Wait. The CHW one was, I daresay, FAMOUS among the movie fans at that time. I got so frustrated with the page building tools (which were meager back then) that I slowly started learning HTML. I remember learning how to make images into links. So that was over 10 years ago. Before I even started journaling online! Wow.